Ever been on a bushwalk when suddenly the branches force you to duck, and the thorny bushes close in.
You start clawing ahead with your bare hands, and nature snaps back with just as much force.
That’s what it can feel like to change someone’s mind.
You’re happily going down a path and then, boom, suddenly you’re stopped dead in your tracks. It’s not what we expected when we first set on a summer afternoon.
How we think the process will go
Changing someone’s mind seems simple in theory. We present the data, we bring logic and evidence, and soon they’ll naturally come around to a new way of thinking.
If you’re laughing, you know that’s not how it plays out.
Here’s how poker champion turned decision strategist Annie Duke explains it in her book Thinking In Bets.
We like to think we form beliefs in a careful, logical way:
- We hear something.
- We think about it and decide if it’s true.
- Then we believe it.
But in reality, we usually do the opposite:
- We hear something.
- We believe it right away.
- Later (if ever), we stop to think about whether it’s actually true.
We do this because our brains are wired to take shortcuts. Here are three common barriers you’ll face because of this, and how to find the path around them.
1. We wrap our identity with our beliefs
People don’t evaluate new ideas in isolation. Every idea is filtered through our sense of self.
When you present a new idea, their first reaction isn’t “is this reasonable?” but “is this coming from someone I trust?” and “does this fit with who I am?”
Challenging a belief isn’t just asking someone to consider a different perspective, it’s asking them to question a piece of their identity. And people will defend their identity as if their survival depends on it, because, in a way, it does.
For most of human history, survival depended on loyalty to the group. Trusting an outsider could be dangerous. That instinct still shapes how we process ideas today. A challenge to a core belief isn’t just a difference of opinion; it can feel like an attack on the tribe, triggering a deep, automatic resistance.
That’s why in heated debates, it often feels like both sides are speaking different languages. Not because they don’t understand the facts, but because they belong to different tribes: political, cultural, or social.
And when facts are tied to identity, identity wins. People don’t change their minds when they feel threatened.
So how do you get someone to rethink a belief without triggering their defences? You separate opinions from identity.
Identity is built on values, experiences, and culture. Opinions, on the other hand, are just beliefs about specific things. But people often fuse opinions with identity, making it feel like giving up a belief means losing a part of themselves. In reality, opinions evolve all the time.
The key isn’t to tell someone they’re wrong, that only makes them dig in. Instead, you should create a space where they can entertain new ideas without feeling like they’re betraying themselves.
That means leading with empathy, listening more than you speak, and framing new ideas in a way that aligns with their values rather than directly challenging them.
Think of it like loosening a knot. Pull too hard, and it tightens. But if you work at it gently, the knot begins to give.
2. We decide based on emotions, not logic
Another reason changing minds is hard is that people rarely base decisions on logic. We like to think we make choices after careful consideration, but most of the time, we don’t.
As Daniel Kahneman in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow reveals, our brains have two systems: one is fast and emotional, the other slow and logical. The fast system decides first, relying on emotions and gut feelings. The slow system comes later, weighing evidence.
It’s like how you can pick up a dessert and then rationalise why it’s okay to indulge by telling yourself you’ll work out tomorrow (even if you won’t). Your short term instincts beat your long-term goals.
This explains why people cling to their beliefs even when faced with overwhelming evidence. They’ve already made the emotional choice, and now they’re just looking for reasons to back it up.
If you want to change someone’s mind, you have to tap into the emotions that hold their beliefs together: what comfort does this belief give them? How does it help them feel safe or connected?
Once you’ve got that figured out, share stories or examples that spark empathy or resonate with their values. Show them another way of thinking that meets the same emotional needs. An alternative narrative that feels just as safe or compelling.
Only when you address these emotional foundations will they begin to reconsider their position.
3. We rationalise, not reason
People don’t reason their way to beliefs, they rationalise them after the fact.
This is why arguments can feel so frustrating. You might lay out a perfect case, but they’ll twist the evidence, ignore it, or dismiss it altogether because their mind was made up long before the conversation started.
They’re not searching for truth; they’re defending a decision they’ve already settled on.
The way around this is not to confront their beliefs directly but to gently guide them to reconsider their views. And one of the best ways to do this is by asking questions.
Thought-provoking questions allow them to reflect without feeling attacked. They shift the conversation from confrontation to curiosity.
Instead of saying, “you’re wrong about this issue,” you can ask, “have you ever had an experience that made you think differently?”
This approach helps them step back and reflect on their beliefs. It opens the door for them to consider your perspective without the pressure of ‘losing’ an argument.
You’re not forcing them to admit they’re wrong. You’re just helping them see things from a new perspective.
The slow process of changing minds
Changing minds is a slow process, made up of small shifts. So the goal should be to plant seeds of doubt and give them the space to grow.
People need space to reflect and process new information. If you push too hard, they’ll retreat further into their original beliefs.
So, what’s the best approach? Recognise that not every argument is worth having. Some people aren’t ready to change their minds. Focus on those who are open and willing to listen.
Start by building trust. If they trust you, they’ll be more willing to consider what you’re saying. Next, tap into the emotions that drive their beliefs. And finally, ask questions that encourage them to reflect.
Changing minds isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible. Progress will be slow. You’ll get hit with a few branches. But surely as you keep pushing forward, the path will emerge, and you can start to make real change.
